Thursday, December 22, 2016

Refocusing

I have been overwhelmed for the last year. My father-in-law died at the beginning of the year, I finished my education program and became a new teacher, I am a parent to two pre-teens, we bought a new house and moved, and we're now preparing to sell our home and buy another. To say the year has been full feels like an understatement.

The new year is often a time of reflection, renewal, and new commitments. Judaism often dictates these rituals in my life, but this secular new year feels like a refreshing time for reflection and recommitment. As a teacher, I have few moments for sustained contemplation, and this break has been necessary as a new teacher.

My health - heck, my entire self - has not been a priority this year. My children and students have come first, and there is so little for me at the end of the day. I am emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. As a glazed over zombie, I am capable of eating and watching bad TV, but little else. My weight fluctuates within two pounds, but I never am able to maintain a healthy eating regiment. The only thing that has helped me maintain my health is being reflective, and I have no mental capacity or physical energy for this at the end of the day.

I'm not certain I can change any of those problems, or if it's an outlandish idea to focus on health when I must focus on so many other things every day (lesson planning, classroom management, parenting, and running a household to name a few), but I want to try and refocus. I want to be healthier. I want to fit easier into amusement park rides. I want to be fit and active. I want to climb a flight of stairs without being winded at the top.

I want to make small goals and try to accomplish them. Today's goal was to figure out my gym membership. I bought an elliptical hoping that it would encourage me to work out, but I have found that I am less likely to work out at home. I discovered that part of the joy of the gym is getting away from it all. So I renewed my old 24 Fitness membership and looked up Zumba classes. Maybe I'll go to a Zumba class tonight...

Monday, June 16, 2014

Weekly Weigh In:270.8

You have to be kidding me. I've worked out six times this week. SIX! And I weigh exactly what I weighed last week. True, I could have made better eating choices. I totally splurged this weekend on my calories. But for five days I ate within my caloric confines (or landed somewhere close), and two days I ate over my calories but did not binge. Yet, I'm still at 270.8.

Maybe my body is building up heavier muscle. Maybe weekend eating ruined my week's progress. Maybe it's the fact that I'm on my period. I don't know why I'm at the same weight, and I'm frustrated without answers.

My last weight loss journey was mostly for vanity and to avoid future health problems. This weight loss journey is different than my last one. I'm only 26, but already my body is loudly complaining. My knees hurt, I'm winded when I walk up stairs, and I simply can't have the life I want to have. I'm afraid to get on a bike - that I'll be exhausted after a few minutes. I don't dance anymore. I don't like my body at all.

I need to lose more than 100 pounds. What an overwhelming thing to say, especially when I've loosely tried for months, and thoughtfully tried a week, to lose weight...and I've only been able to maintain or gain weight. It's so frustrating!

I know I'm doing something wrong, but I'm not entirely sure what it is. I'm not confident I can complete this journey, but I know that I need to. I'm scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, and annoyed. I wish I was confident, excited, energetic, and knowledgeable.

This week I want to lose ONE pound. Just one pound. I want to step on the scale next Monday and see some difference. I'm trying to make different choices in my life - why doesn't that reflect on the scale?

Monday, June 9, 2014

Weigh in

Current weight: 270.8

I guess I can't call these weekly weigh ins right now...since I haven't done one in over a month. As you see, my weight's about the same.

I feel like I'm holding my breathe. I passively sit here, letting life happen, letting myself get fatter and feel awful about that fact. Yesterday, my knees hurt, my foot hurt, and I just felt immobile because of my fatness, which is so embarrassing and frustrating. I made cookies and ate too much, sitting on the couch frustrated at my own limitations.

But I also planned for the week. For me, making healthy choices depends on how well I plan. I cooked food for the week - including dinner, which is my biggest pitfall. This morning, I went to the gym and ate a nutritious breakfast.

My June goals:
* Lose between 1-2 pounds a week
* Work out 5 times a week
* Track 20 days in a row


Friday, May 9, 2014

1,112 calories


It's the last day before the end of finals and I ate my feelings today. Before working out, I had eaten 1,938 calories more than my daily allowance, for a total of 3,628 calories. Even though I binged, I tracked it and then I went to the gym.

Let's make tomorrow better...

Monday, May 5, 2014

270.4

+0.4 pounds

My desk is a mess. My house is a mess. And my life...is non-existent. It's finals time, which is the perfect time to get sick and lose my motivation. Yesterday I binged, anxious about today's exam. I didn't just binge on popcorn or pasta (my normal go-tos), but had my wife walk with me to the store to buy candies and chips. Yeah - full on binge.

Today I feel slow and fatter than normal. I've gained a few pounds since yesterday and my body feel like a sloth. There are only a few days left until the end of finals, and I cannot wait to be freed from this engulfing anxiety that I'm not spending every minute to the fullest. I'm also excited that I'm feeling less sick than I was last week and might be able to return to the gym for some endorphin-engaging exercise.

I can't wait until Friday...

Monday, April 28, 2014

Goal setting

I am just a few pounds away from the heaviest I've ever been and I don't like it. My body doesn't move like I want it to and I'm afraid of becoming morbidly obese. I've noticed it's hard to get around - I bump into things more, chairs are no longer made for me, and I'm now in the biggest clothing options before it just becomes muumuus. I'm really afraid for my health and ability to enjoy my life. I don't want to be excluded from things simply because I'm too big.

I need to set some goals for myself. This week begins May. My goals for May:

  • Lose a pound a week
  • Log meals at least 6 times a week
  • Try to stop binge eating by going on a walk
I think I need to blog as part of this journey because I need some sort of personal accountability and time for reflection. 

Monday, January 6, 2014

Weekly weigh in: 258.2

Weight: 258.2
Total weight loss: 1.6

The holidays are over and in stereotypical fashion I'm ready to do some real work in the new year. I am committing to posting at least once a week as a way to stay accountable. After surviving my first semester of law school I feel prepared to be less crazy about school and more focused on me and my health. I need something to focus on that isn't just the law school rat race. Over the holidays my highest weight was 259.8, and I'm grateful I'm down a bit from that.

My goal is to lose an average of one pound a week this year, which will put me at just over 200 pounds by the beginning of next year. I want to be more mindful of my eating and work on mindfulness and meditation exercises in the new year.

Here's to hoping for amazing things in the new year!